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Sunday 26 July 2009

Put on a serious face for a minute...please

My next post is going to be "different" well for me anyway. I'm just collecting a few pieces together before committing it to blog. Plus that and I'm an enormous wimp and perfectionist who wants to get everything just so before she's happy with everything. So what I have for you is a few poems recently written. Enjoy for now and I promise the next post will be a little better reading than this!!



Bruised


Self inflicted damage,

It seeps under the skin

It's spreading like wildfire

Swirling ancient blood

Coagulating in a rainbow of colours.

Browns...purples...blues.

A Mosaic of pain

You produced upon yourself

-----

A constant reminder

of how fragile you really are.

A collection of burst veins

capillaries scream in agony

Don't do this to me again.

Leave me be.

Tortures hues of calligraphy

too tender to the touch.

-----

The heat radiates from it

the tears have come in

response to the pain.

Under the skin, the healing

process has already begun.

The damage brings blessed relief

But only for a short time.

-----

It will happen again

The process repeats all too often

the bruising, the pain, the relief.

A self inflicted torture,

A cycle unbroken

Asking for assistance,

But nothing comes

-----x------


Spiders


Down in ever decreasing circles,

Round and around their fragile webs they weave,

Skirting the edges

Never touching the centre

For it will snap and disintegrate

------

Breakable silk, smooth to the touch

We fill the holes, strengthening against the winds,

Anticipating deterioration

Awaiting some disaster

we prepare to stand.

------

We continue, maneuvering, building

Responding to some destruction

Renegotiating our positions

In this warfare,

Of keeping a safe sanctuary for ourselves.

------

One day, it is inevitable

we will all fall down and flounder

In the dust, above where we built

our tangled webs.

And we will begin, once more, afresh

-----x------


Lost in translation

Tell me what you mean!

I don't understand!

I'm not from your country

I'm not from YOUR land

Were on different continents

So very far apart

You'll never understand me

So don't you even start.

------

Don't tell me what I shouldn't do

Don't tell me what I should

I'd love to hit your stupid face

I know I never could

------

So you go on in ignorance

For ignorance is bliss

I will not argue, fight or disagree

It all comes down to this.

------

I don't want to understand you

And the fact your in my face

When you hardly even know me

Is such a disgrace.

-------

Go back to where you cam from

Leave me the fuck alone.

Exit my life now please

Crawl back under your stone


Written for my mothers ex-boyfriend just in case people start getting paranoid :)


Tweeter addict


Who wants to know what I'm doing today?

Who wants to hear me? Who wants to play?

All set down in very few words

A blog of some sorts, invented for nerds

And Geeks just like me

Who in fact, really really wants to see

What my friend in France is wearing to town

Sent in a twitpic, I'll music a blip

And hope that my tastes don't make people sick.

------

140 tiny little words can encompass a persona

Attract people or repel them if you're a loner

Follow him, follow her, oh, that's just a bot

Look at her face, she's really cool-NOT!
Hashtags I cry, how do I use these?
Now they are things of relative ease
And some of them stupid and some of them daft
Most of them really just make me laugh.
-------
My favourite is #speshal but I can't tell you why
It's a personal favourite I cannot lie,
This twitter is mental, your sharing your life
With someone somewhere who could be
well, #speshal if you let them in
But also quite random, or miserable as sin
So have fun with tweeting, just be true to you
Don't let others treat you like poo
(Some will if you let them bit you can just block
Or don't let them in and teach them to knock!)
I love my twitter, I wouldn't go without
I finally get myself heard
without having to shout
------x------

Saturday 11 July 2009

A ray of sunshine through the clouds


This blog is meant to be all about coping with depression, but to be honest the last few weeks have seen very little to be depressive about. To be completely honest to call myself a Social Introvert isn't fair, I am introverted but more so over the last 16 months. I have a good Social life and good friends to be sure. I am suffering from a form of depression which means that I have to take a Serotonin enhancer as my brain does not produce enough of the happy stuff. I used to be very sure of where I stood on relationships, i.e. don't bother and get on with your life until either you get too old to bother about it or you end up living in a caravan with 15 cats. Please see the previous comments made about relationships. The last few weeks I haven't really felt depressed. It's been uncommonly good. I'm not sure if I am seeing a light at the end of a very long tunnel.

Imagine being in a dark room it is quiet and still but uncertain. This is depression. You don't know what's behind, what's in front and what's to the sides. Your stuck in a form of stasis. You can't move forward as it is warm and comfortable in the dark, and you're afraid of tripping over. You can't go back because you can never reclaim what has been. Sometimes it takes bravery to step forward into the unknown. Bravery and a touch of random stupidity can lead to a break in the darkness, some light through the cloud cover. Anyone who has known depression will understand how debilitating it is, it doesn't matter how old you are, it drags you down. I hope that continues, I've heard that people have relapses. That scares me.
I noticed this change when my poetry started changing, it wasn't as dark as previous poetry I had written and it's very strange seeing something almost light flowing from your pen. It was almost dare I say it...happy

My ray of sunshine came in the form of a very special person. Those of you who know me know of this person. I would just like to take the time and say thanks, as I said the night before I'm not sure what's going on here but I like it! I appreciate everything about you, from your acceptance of my random being to my random music. I'm glad you found me. Long may it continue.
Whispers
More is said in silence, Words are set in stone
Preparing ourselves for the great unknown
Future is a bright hope, roads are always long,
Thinking of a path, even though it may be wrong.
------
Smiling in the morning, once it was too hard,
Feeling almost nothing was on the daily cards,
Since words have come in whispers, and you have shone that light
Smiling comes so easily, the sun's not too bright.
------
Mulling on our choices,looking for reprieve,
then come silent whispers, words carry you to me,
Hoping once more, I dare to have a dream,
And step into reality, things are what they seem.
------
This rottenness which wore away the happiness in me
It's slowly coming to it's end and all around can see
The comfort in those whispered words, has healed a lot of pain
And from this moment on, things will rarely be the same.
------
For more is said in silence, words are set in stone
know this, and it is from the heart, your never quite alone,
Whenever darkness comes for you, I hope it never will,
I'll do my best to be there too, to help you through the mill.
------
When words can touch a tortured soul, release them from the dark
Then words that whisper on the breeze are truly works of heart.
-----x-----
Badawi
Amongst the rocks and ruined ravages
A life was almost lived,
the lonely days of Bedouins
the explorer, the traveller the thief.
The scavenger looks into the sun
He must be moving on
From these arid rocks and ruins
He hears a mountain song.
------
What journey there awaits him?
What brings him to his knees?
Amongst the rocks and ruins
He's no reason to believe
In anything, anyone a Deity
In anything bigger than
What he holds in his two hands
Sifting through his fingers,
Meaningless grains of sand
------
What stirs inside his memory
Under that blazing sun?
Something he lost or where he begun?
He raises his weathers worn hands to his face
His fingers are leathery and long.
There within the rocks and ruins
He sobs into the desert
Anger, yells, shudders he stops.
Here she lies. My lover. My friend.
The one who understood
She was me, she was my good
------
He raises slightly from his hunch
Whipped by the cruel sand fuelled winds
The bedouin stands, wipes his weary eyes
Protects himself from the onslaught.
Amongst the rocks and ruins
Lays his sanctity. Dry bones.
Now he leaves. He is truly alone.
-----x------
What?
You crept as silently as a spider
Into my life
Asking the questions, knowing me
And nothing about me
You dared to delve into the darkest of corners
You opened the door
-----
I wanted to explore
I trusted you, misled
I let you in
When I had kept "me" sheltered
Protected so long in my home made cocoon.
-----
I thought you stronger
But you are weak
And now you close the door
Left me feeling like I was wrong
I'm just angry
You lied to me
------
Was it easy to be false?
To promise everything and deliver nothing?
To promise friendship and then close the barrage?
Bring down your walls of self preservation.
-----
I doubt you were ever the one
You tried to be
The one who thought it funny to
deceive me
If this is what you wanted you
LOST
What did you want?
To brake me in some way?
You LOST
What did you want?
To make a fool of me?
YOU LOST
-----
What did you want from me?
To make me love you?
You LOST
In that mind, what turns?
As my last image of you burns
What sis you want?
I no longer care.
------x------
This last poem is written specifically at someone who was a part of my life until just recently and proved to be as you can read rather a disappointing friend. As this person will probably never read this blog, I would like to say have a nice life, don't come troubling me again. Your loss :)


Saturday 4 July 2009

It's too hot to be indoors.....

That's my excuse, well no actually it's not. It's been too hot to sit indoors on the PC (still waiting for the safe return of my macbook the saga continues and will probably end up in the small claims court). But it hasn't stopped me from writing. Neither has full time employment which sucks by the way. There should always be a place for a trending topic on twitter #reallifesucks.
This week I have been walking up Snowdon in a random act of madness , on the phone to the computer company/roayl mail trying to find out where my Macbook IS, chucking a part time job at a well known chain of hand made sandwich shops and starting full time employment found by GAP recruitment. Thank you Gap, for allowing me to make enough money to survive a semester in University! I finished Jane Eyre, and P.S. I love you (read for the hundredth time and highly recommended to anyone!) and I wrote these. A bit mushy some of them but I wrote them whilst listening to SafetySuit which is my new obsessive music (thanks Elena by the way). Did you know that we have to download the album in the UK? Or import it from the US. No fair!! Anyway I digress.
NB> The first poem is a tribute to the slate quarries of wales Llechen Lâs-blue slate, swper chwarel-traditional welsh meal when the men returned from their jobs, grâs-grace, capel-chapel, cymuned-community.
Llechen Lâs
In the homestead the hearth is the heart
The fires burn daily,here in crimson colours
Red, golden, ochre,yellow
They sit and wait communing in a lost language
Whilst on the windows sleet is blown in torrent.
They wait in return for the men of the
Llechen Lâs
To eat swper chwarel
To break bread with the grâs
The kettle now hisses and whistles, reaching fever pitch
Awaiting the men to return
-----
The chatting, it ranges from children to war
All women together, the keepers of the home,
Laughing in the gloomy pewter room
talking of capel and cymuned
Giggling through their problems despite the gloom
Whilst the wind whistles and howls around the small cottage
Llechen Lâs
It binds them together
And now it seems they are lost forever
In the memories of their children
And their grandchildren who talk "proper" English
Attending Universities and Collages thanks to their sweat and tears
------
Collecting the best china one of them founders,
Placing it back in the dresser without a second glance
Outside the sleet sweeps the hillside
Covering lush green hills in blankets of white
He's not coming home tonight
Llechen Lâs
Took his life
And now she is a wife without a home
And four children to raise on her own
She will be proud, her man died to ship the slate
We forget, the forgotten hearth, now cold and ashen.
-----x-----
Insecure
Everyone needs somewhere to call a home
A comforter, a homestead where their not alone
A part of a sanctuary where they are free
Where they belong, where they see,
They are loved.
-----
What happens to those when the nests ripped to shreds?
Nowhere to run with the burden in their heads
No place to turn when they need a friend
Where they can rest, where they can mend,
Where is the love?
-----
Where do we turn when we feel insecure?
Do we move on? In search of acquaintances newer?
And what occurs if they're rejected?
Run into the ground and disrespected.
Where is my love?
-----
At the lowest of points, a bright light will shine,
When you will be found and you will be fine
And you will be taken back into the warmth
A safe place, a homestead, a hearth
Where there is love.
-----x-----
Fables
My hand reaches out for you
But your not there,
It shouldn't surprise me
You no longer care
It shouldn't enrage me
You left me alone
It shouldn't affect me
But as I've shown
It does
And always will
------
Are you there with her now?
In her open arms?
Is she more appealing?
Does she have more charms?
It shouldn't confound me
But you know that it does
It burns me so
You'll never know
It does
And always will
------
I close my eyes, breathing calming
controlling my heart
It's beating,erratic
Within it a dart
Of poison directly from your
ready gun.
Seeping through my ready veins
Into every cell, every part
It burns
And always will
-----
You hope I'll forget you
In time I will heal
What do you want me to do?
What do you want me to feel?
I'm fuming
I'm jealous
I'm dying inside
I miss you
But I will survive,
I always will
-----x------
Goodbye
Every touch could be the last,
All our hello's are goodbyes
Aching to touch you for one last time
The humanity in me says Stop
look further, dig deeper, work harder
------
Searching your soul for some sense of reprieve
when it doesn't come
will you still be with me?
Are you a part of some huge master plan?
Look further, dig deeper, work harder.
------
Thinking of things that my heart
is scared to touch
Thoughts of your arms around me
I want you too much
Look further dig deeper, work harder
-----
Reaching out, are you there?
Hear my call you must be somewhere?
Are you missing me?
Will it ever be?
Look further, dig deeper, work harder.
------
In the end it breaks me too
Waiting to get the whole of you
I want, I need, I despair
You breathe
Look further, dig deeper, work harder
------x-------
You
I don't know where to begin
For you the words don't come
You caught me unaware
And saw me in the light of the sun
Saw me, for who I am
And I you.
-----
The way you look at me,
That smile on your face
The pedestal you place me on
I'm falling from grace
You see me, for who I am
And I you
-----
The words you whisper
In my ear
Are comforting, warming me
I feel no fear
You see me, for what I am
And I you
-----
Your embrace around me
Making me feel sublime
You pull me closer
Give me more time
You see me, for the woman I am
and I you
-----
I'm falling-
Never fallen before
I don't want to stop
Of this fact I'm sure
You see ME, The Me that I am
And I thank you
-----x-----
Enough for now I think It's stopped raining and the dog needs a run!