What am I doing again

Shit, fuck and arseholes. Those are all some words I can use to describe today, although those words aren't really describing anything. My blue days are thankfully getting farther and farther in between, but you see it's my mother's birthday on Friday. And Mother and I don't exactly see eye to eye. To be frank, she's a manipulator. Not only did my other blog and the naughty poetry on there get read out to an entire class today, which made me want to disappear into the chair I was sitting on, but mother decided to phone and remind me that it was her birthday on friday and that if I was going to send her a card, that it should contain some of the money nanna Pierce left me. Yeah mum whatever.

The fact that you've drunk most of what you've earned is no longer my problem.

The fact that you never remembered any of my birthdays unless you wanted anything, imperative.

The fact that you want me to forgive you again after the last time. Debatable. There's always a next time.

So if you do happen to meander by my blog, like you used to read my diaries, journals poetry wtc before you set alight to them. I hope you know there is no gift coming for you from London. No card. No money for you to go out and get more inebriated and shag the brains out of any old tramp.

As far as I'm concerned it should be you where nanna is now.

You never wanted me.

I never had a choice.

Goodbye Year and All That Jazz

Ahhh..a new year and still blogging, well sort of as I seem to be getting a bit laid back with this blogging business. I wanted to write something prolific, the last year has been surprisingly good for me. I moved out of home, became free of a dogma, and that's possibly the best word for it; went to Uni, passed my exams as history repeats itself quite often I'm awaiting the results of my first year exams as we speak and with a profound lack of anything special or important to do, I decided to pay a tribute to last year. 2009, what a good year. My highlights well, meeting and keeping Alistair, for keeps I hope, finding freedom, developing my writing style and getting to know who I am a little better. Time and tide waits for no man.

2010, what will this bring? Well so far snow, and lots of it and ice, I have the bruise on my bum to prove it! Also 2010 brings time for a bit of reflection, and with that for me, comes a new batch of poetry. I hope that you enjoy! :)

Goodbye

Observe in silence.

Watch stonily as the room fills with smoky ghosts.

Your memories shattered and broken

like the shards of glass around your feet.

Amuse yourself as the dust settles in sheets around the room

on the flames of your long forgotten photographs.

Your eyes focus hazily on the morning light

Pouring through the drawn shutters.

The faces smile, nameless in their frames,

They once laughed, cried,

As you now do.

-----

Look within.

Mend the part that is broken.

Fix the cog that fails to keep time.

Dance to the rhythm of life ticking in front of you

Keep it from escaping.

Erase all your demons,

the ones who keep you grounded in the same spot.

Until there is nothing more

But empty words

and notions.

------

As you sit with your pondering,

Listen to your echoes,

The ticking of the clock as time passes.

You get no younger, it pauses for no-one.

Let the ghosts walk around you, for now

feeding the flames of your deadened brain,

Mingle with them, stroke the ashes, feel their pain

of remembrance. The bite of reverence.

Re-fuel your desire to begin, once again.

Whole,

Clean,

Meaningful.

-----

Let is pass, finally,

Washing over your thoughts like spring rain

Waking that dead broken part,

That dead year and its embers.

Stand up, in the light of the morning,

as the new year dawns before you

Face it as the spirits now fade

Those memories that YOU made

Foundations YOU laid.

Move on and wipe that dust off your familiar faces,

Let it go,

Goodbye.

Eternal

Look over your shoulders

take care of the fear

it will make you mad.

Don't run from security

Don't run from the fight

Face up to the things that

Give you bad dreams at night.

Hold on to the precious,

Fight on for your sanity,

Your battle precarious

don't loose your humanity.

It's worth battling forward,

with each little step

Is a move towards freedom

A change in the season.

So hold eternity in the palm of your hand,

happiness awaits, like the turning of sand

in the timer of life, you know how to be strong

Life waits for no one,

You know I'm not wrong.

And although the road less travelled seems the harder path

Take risks, cry, laugh,

become the one person you've wanted to be

Find your strength and your eternity

In me.

Detail

I let my finger follow the curve of your lip,

That bow, cupid arched for me, the pout

of the small bridge of your lips,

with which you smile and make laughter.

The small pink buds that make me tingle

when your voice escapes them.

I've studied their art, long and hard;

small lines at their edges in deep

happy creases,

The warmth of the thin skin on mine,

the tenderness of their angles.

-----

I follow up to your eyes,

Again following the shallow lines that form,

and small shadows from your endeavours.

I am mesmerised by the deep chocolate warmth

smiling as you look at me with the same intrigue

Looking at the kaleidoscope of patterns that swallow me

whole, and hypnotise me to them.

They envelope me, caress me without touching

Such sensitivity; rare in most, apparent in those eyes.

------

Under my fingers, the smoothness

and finesse of your skin,

warm against my coolness

reciprocating my touch with it's goose flesh

small hairs raising to my touch as I explore

wanting to know more.

Goodbye To You

In all the time I've been keeping this blog I've realised how little people actually know about me. The fact that I seem all sweetness and light, or witty and satirical, or sometimes down right stupid when tweeting is, I suppose, nice in it's own right. In truth, things have never been easy for me. I don't want to air my grievances over blogger, because that's life, right? You have to plug on and get on with things no matter what happens, no matter what is thrown at you. It goes on.

I've just been slapped in the face again.

My nan died in the early hours of Friday morning. There is a story to tell here, but now is not the time or the place. Nan and I were close. I spent three weeks living with her before moving down to Central London in September. She took me in. She always took me in. She always looked out for me. The one person I could depend upon for guidance, cuddles, even stupid things like girlie advice, what to do with my hair. That was my nan. She was sixty nine. Not old. So back to Wales. No one wants to take responsibility for organising a funeral, being 19, I don't want to either. But I owed this woman so, so much. She was my role model in life, she cared when no one else wanted to know.

I'm still breathing, still surviving, I'm doing this for her.

So this is for you Nan, I raise my glass of diet coke to you. I hope you enjoy it, you were awesome.

For Nana Pierce, I love you.

Ave Maria

Encompass us in your light,

Your safety, and energy, so bright.

Although your time with us was spirited away

I know your free and will sing one day

Ave Maria, Full of Grace

I smile and remember the lines of your face.

Ave Maria.

An honest heart, a precious soul,

Your eyes sparkled daily, your smile was like gold,

Your hands were so gentle, and always serene

So many things that you leave here with me,

So many memories, The Lord is with thee,

Ave Maria, Full of grace

Ave Maria.

You gave me a reason to live every day,

You taught me to love, you taught me to play.

I know that your watching, please don't fade away

You'll be remembered in the sun's final ray.

Ave Maria, blessed are thou

Ave Maria.

A white feather falls from your wings,

As you unfold them and the choir sings,

The whitest of flutters, falls to the Earth,

Whispering, waiting for the hour of rebirth.

I'll love you always, My saviour

My Grace,

Ave Maria.

Even the deepest blues are black

Friends, the people in our lives we most take for granted. This is for you.

Masque

How did we get here when the road ahead is black?

Turning in circles too scared to look back,

Moving ever onwards into the great unknown,

Afraid of becoming stagnant, of turning to stone.

Unsure of how I found you

Too scared to let you go,

Petrified of your newness

My head keeps saying no.

-----

How did you see me behind my careful mask?

Was it some kind of kinship, or some kind of task?

Why do I doubt your motives, and push you away?

Instead of cherishing what I've been given, please stay.

Unsure of who I am,

Too scared to find the answer,

My heart beats in my throat

It eats me up like cancer.

-----

I hold your hand too tightly, constricting, breathing,

Still turning in blue circles and hating what I'm feeling.

I want to let you be free of me, to carry on alone,

You'd be better off without me, the girl without a home.

But I've loved you forever,

You know who I am,

So onwards were moving,

I don't give a damn.

-----

Your eyes haunt me, as red as the blood in my veins,

But kindness is all I see behind them, I work, I strain.

I doubt my own instincts, you carry me along,

I'm weak in this journey, your the one who's strong,

You don't have to,

But you continue,

You carry me,

We're almost free.

------

How to move forwards of the chains that have bound me?

To look at the scars that stain and surround my skin, for all to see?

Will I ever be able to move along the path, with your hand in mine?

Is it just a matter of love, or a matter of time?

I'm broken,

A token,

Afraid to leap

Afraid to speak.

-----

Without you there is no path, no where for me to go.

Without you there I loose my way I'm running to and fro.

I learn therefore to ask for help, when I am most in need,

And then I know your more than that, you are a friend indeed.

We dance to a masque

Try to forget our past,

Step by step,

Never looking back.

Getting on with it

This blog has been used as an online diary for far too long! I've been quite productive in the last few days. To think that they hardly give us enough time to think creatively on this course never mind write creatively! Here are two of my latest works.

A bit random but enjoy...

Ode To a Dead Bird

She holds the carcass in her hands

As gently as a child,

He sang her morning reverie

When he was young and wild,

A teardrop forming at her eye,

She holds him to her breast;

He was the only one she loved,

The one who knew her best

-----

She strokes the feather of his wing

His crumpled downy chest,

And holds his coolness to her cheek

The final morbid test,

The teardrops form and finally roll

In tracks down both her cheeks

When she was ill his sorrow song

Comforted her for weeks.

-----

The patch of down upon his chest

Is crumpled white and grey.

The little heart is still within

His soul has flown away.

His tiny dark exotic eyes

She closes with a kiss.

She prays for absolution-

A better place than this.

-----

How she grieves this little girl

For something so contrite,

She wraps him up, puts him to rest

Before the day meets night.

She’s lost him to the otherworld

He sings a different song,

Stolen from her loving hand

It all seems very wrong.

-----

She prays the Lord his Soul to keep

To steer him on his path

The bird who kept her company

The one who made her laugh,

She places him in to the ground,

And covers him with earth

“goodbye my love” she whispers

“You’ll never know your worth”

-----x-----

Loner

I don’t know where to turn

Who to run to

Where to learn?

I don’t know who wants to know

Where to hide?

Where to go?

-----

Unsure, I slip and fall

To my knees I cannot crawl

I can’t move forwards,

Can’t move back,

There’s too much weight

Upon my back.

-----

I turn on the spot,

I need to hide,

From all the bitterness inside.

I feel so empty

I’m incomplete,

But still I cannot find my feet.

-----

I panic for a little while

Thinking of that extra mile

I push and pull

With all my might

And work too hard

Into the night.

-----

And then the darkness

Takes a hold,

I lost my heart

I lost my soul.

I never found that open door,

Just fell over on the floor.

-----

If I move on and loose my way

Will there ever be a day

Where I stand tall?

And through it all

Become who I want to be?

The really “real” me.

My Love

You're the first thing I think of
Each morning when I rise.
You're the last thing I think of
Each night when I close my eyes.

------

You're in each thought I have
And every breath I take.
My feelings are growing stronger
With every move I make.

------

I want to prove I love you
But that's the hardest part.
So, I'm giving all I have to give
To you... I give my heart.

Dreamer

You have come to me from a distant land, 

Dreamer of dreams, to fill my hearts desire,

 Sweet music flowing from your nimble hand 

That plays within... to light my passion's fire.

-----

  A symphony of word and thought you bring.

 Excitement builds upon crescendo's sound, 

Brought forth in tones to make my light heart sing 

For all the beauty that, with you, I've found. 

----- 

A life is changed in just an instant's time,

 All darkness fled before that brillaint sun 

That shines from spoken words of softest rhyme

 And speaks of treasures, only just begun.  

-----

This mystic meeting gives my heart a glow 

That few have seen and only you will know.

-----x------

I awake each day with a smile 
And greet it with a laugh;
 The world is a treasure to me
 Because of you.  
Every time I think of something sad, 
I replace the thought- with you. 
My mind is instantly changed 
And my heart is filled with gladness. 
 Every breath I take is meant for you, 
I live this life surrounded in joy
 And I bathe in the promise of your love,
 My soul belongs to you.  
Each time I see something beautiful 
I want to take it and bring it to you;
 My life has so much meaning now
 All because of you.

Life and Stuff...

Why does everything that seems so easy for other people have to be so complicated for me? Is it perhaps, that I have the most spectacular bad luck in the world? I'm not going to over analyse things too much, but I've been thinking about this for a while. Things that other people find so easy or seemingly easy to do i.e. getting on a train and heading to a friends house, all become a comedy of errors with me. It's farcical it really is. Not even a phone works when I want it to. It develops "Beth's touch of doom" syndrome and conks out.

Ok, take a step back. I've been in London now for two weeks, loving the atmosphere, feeling a little shaky and still finding my feet. I left home under very bad circumstances. My last proper conversation was with a police officer. That's my business and I don't really want to discuss it in a public forum.

I fit in well with the other eccentrics at my new Student House, which is good. Most of them are older, wiser and have worked in media/writing for a few years. Two of us are fresh out of school. My course is the same, I am the youngest person on it. I ask myself the question straight away, should I have taken a year out and gained some life experience? Yes? Well the dirty little secret is that I had plenty of "life" experience before I got to London. But that's another matter entirely.

I become obsessed with getting work in on time. Nothing new there then. But at what cost?

Anyway still feeling a little lost and with no one at home to talk to apart from my nan who has plenty of worries of her own at the moment I don't want to burden her with mine. I suppose that's understandable.

I love my course, I love where I live, I also adore the Uni. The problem therefore must be me. I have adopted this solitary pose like Greta Garbo . I keep beating myself up thinking I'm never going to be good enough. One of the girls on my course drives an Audi TT has already written numerous screenplays and lives in Kensington. What is this I'm feeling? Is it jealousy? Or inferiority? All I know is that I'm putting myself under enormous pressure. I'm succeeding thus far, but being two weeks in and having so much to do and carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, I'm feeling the burn! On this course, because there are so few of us were all in competition to be the best of the best. It really is like an episode of the apprentice. Who gets the contract for so and so and who makes the highest quality writing. Ugrh, I blog, write poems and have half a novel-ish. Help!

Also, I keep asking the question, what am I sacrificing here to be the "best of the best"? My sanity, well that's a given, but also something else. Friendship, relationship, my social staple. It seems that I am to surround myself only with the clique that I live, eat and play and work with. I've had no time for anyone else whatsoever.

Apart from feeling a little lost, I'm also a little anxious. Wales--->London= Hellufachange. I've gone from a one train stop tourist trap to living near a one tube every 5 minutes and the map is so confusing I haven't got a clue where I'm going kind of place. I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm happier here, but perhaps feeling a little...vulnerable. That's the word I've been searching for the whole of this blog post and I've only just "got it". Another good one is "exposed". Maybe surrounded by so many and known by so few I can learn to become more social. Well at least learn not to blush so epically when someone new says hello. Maybe learn to stand tall and not run away.

We'll see. I'll keep you posted.

XBX

Trying to make sense of things

I'm a bit ecclectic. Well, more than a bit. I'm also a stroppy mardy and moody cow when I want to be. But, hey I'm an artist I'm allowed to be. One thing I tend to do a lot is analyse. It's a trait of quiet people, we tend to just sit there and watch the world go by, noticing people's traits but never commenting on them.

I got hurt today, just because I wasn't brave enough to stand up for myself a few months ago. I found out that someone I had trusted had lied to me. I felt a fool. I still feel like a fool.

I won't go into details, but I know what you did now. I don't like it, and I think your head is fucked. You made me feel like I was the one with all the problems, when actually, it was you all along.

I hope you're happy.

That is all.