A ray of sunshine through the clouds

This blog is meant to be all about coping with depression, but to be honest the last few weeks have seen very little to be depressive about. To be completely honest to call myself a Social Introvert isn't fair, I am introverted but more so over the last 16 months. I have a good Social life and good friends to be sure. I am suffering from a form of depression which means that I have to take a Serotonin enhancer as my brain does not produce enough of the happy stuff. I used to be very sure of where I stood on relationships, i.e. don't bother and get on with your life until either you get too old to bother about it or you end up living in a caravan with 15 cats. Please see the previous comments made about relationships. The last few weeks I haven't really felt depressed. It's been uncommonly good. I'm not sure if I am seeing a light at the end of a very long tunnel.

Imagine being in a dark room it is quiet and still but uncertain. This is depression. You don't know what's behind, what's in front and what's to the sides. Your stuck in a form of stasis. You can't move forward as it is warm and comfortable in the dark, and you're afraid of tripping over. You can't go back because you can never reclaim what has been. Sometimes it takes bravery to step forward into the unknown. Bravery and a touch of random stupidity can lead to a break in the darkness, some light through the cloud cover. Anyone who has known depression will understand how debilitating it is, it doesn't matter how old you are, it drags you down. I hope that continues, I've heard that people have relapses. That scares me.

I noticed this change when my poetry started changing, it wasn't as dark as previous poetry I had written and it's very strange seeing something almost light flowing from your pen. It was almost dare I say it...happy

My ray of sunshine came in the form of a very special person. Those of you who know me know of this person. I would just like to take the time and say thanks, as I said the night before I'm not sure what's going on here but I like it! I appreciate everything about you, from your acceptance of my random being to my random music. I'm glad you found me. Long may it continue.

Whispers

More is said in silence, Words are set in stone

Preparing ourselves for the great unknown

Future is a bright hope, roads are always long,

Thinking of a path, even though it may be wrong.

------

Smiling in the morning, once it was too hard,

Feeling almost nothing was on the daily cards,

Since words have come in whispers, and you have shone that light

Smiling comes so easily, the sun's not too bright.

------

Mulling on our choices,looking for reprieve,

then come silent whispers, words carry you to me,

Hoping once more, I dare to have a dream,

And step into reality, things are what they seem.

------

This rottenness which wore away the happiness in me

It's slowly coming to it's end and all around can see

The comfort in those whispered words, has healed a lot of pain

And from this moment on, things will rarely be the same.

------

For more is said in silence, words are set in stone

know this, and it is from the heart, your never quite alone,

Whenever darkness comes for you, I hope it never will,

I'll do my best to be there too, to help you through the mill.

------

When words can touch a tortured soul, release them from the dark

Then words that whisper on the breeze are truly works of heart.

-----x-----

Badawi

Amongst the rocks and ruined ravages

A life was almost lived,

the lonely days of Bedouins

the explorer, the traveller the thief.

The scavenger looks into the sun

He must be moving on

From these arid rocks and ruins

He hears a mountain song.

------

What journey there awaits him?

What brings him to his knees?

Amongst the rocks and ruins

He's no reason to believe

In anything, anyone a Deity

In anything bigger than

What he holds in his two hands

Sifting through his fingers,

Meaningless grains of sand

------

What stirs inside his memory

Under that blazing sun?

Something he lost or where he begun?

He raises his weathers worn hands to his face

His fingers are leathery and long.

There within the rocks and ruins

He sobs into the desert

Anger, yells, shudders he stops.

Here she lies. My lover. My friend.

The one who understood

She was me, she was my good

------

He raises slightly from his hunch

Whipped by the cruel sand fuelled winds

The bedouin stands, wipes his weary eyes

Protects himself from the onslaught.

Amongst the rocks and ruins

Lays his sanctity. Dry bones.

Now he leaves. He is truly alone.

-----x------

What?

You crept as silently as a spider

Into my life

Asking the questions, knowing me

And nothing about me

You dared to delve into the darkest of corners

You opened the door

-----

I wanted to explore

I trusted you, misled

I let you in

When I had kept "me" sheltered

Protected so long in my home made cocoon.

-----

I thought you stronger

But you are weak

And now you close the door

Left me feeling like I was wrong

I'm just angry

You lied to me

------

Was it easy to be false?

To promise everything and deliver nothing?

To promise friendship and then close the barrage?

Bring down your walls of self preservation.

-----

I doubt you were ever the one

You tried to be

The one who thought it funny to

deceive me

If this is what you wanted you

LOST

What did you want?

To brake me in some way?

You LOST

What did you want?

To make a fool of me?

YOU LOST

-----

What did you want from me?

To make me love you?

You LOST

In that mind, what turns?

As my last image of you burns

What sis you want?

I no longer care.

------x------

This last poem is written specifically at someone who was a part of my life until just recently and proved to be as you can read rather a disappointing friend. As this person will probably never read this blog, I would like to say have a nice life, don't come troubling me again. Your loss :)