Life and Stuff...

Why does everything that seems so easy for other people have to be so complicated for me? Is it perhaps, that I have the most spectacular bad luck in the world? I'm not going to over analyse things too much, but I've been thinking about this for a while. Things that other people find so easy or seemingly easy to do i.e. getting on a train and heading to a friends house, all become a comedy of errors with me. It's farcical it really is. Not even a phone works when I want it to. It develops "Beth's touch of doom" syndrome and conks out.

Ok, take a step back. I've been in London now for two weeks, loving the atmosphere, feeling a little shaky and still finding my feet. I left home under very bad circumstances. My last proper conversation was with a police officer. That's my business and I don't really want to discuss it in a public forum.

I fit in well with the other eccentrics at my new Student House, which is good. Most of them are older, wiser and have worked in media/writing for a few years. Two of us are fresh out of school. My course is the same, I am the youngest person on it. I ask myself the question straight away, should I have taken a year out and gained some life experience? Yes? Well the dirty little secret is that I had plenty of "life" experience before I got to London. But that's another matter entirely.

I become obsessed with getting work in on time. Nothing new there then. But at what cost?

Anyway still feeling a little lost and with no one at home to talk to apart from my nan who has plenty of worries of her own at the moment I don't want to burden her with mine. I suppose that's understandable.

I love my course, I love where I live, I also adore the Uni. The problem therefore must be me. I have adopted this solitary pose like Greta Garbo . I keep beating myself up thinking I'm never going to be good enough. One of the girls on my course drives an Audi TT has already written numerous screenplays and lives in Kensington. What is this I'm feeling? Is it jealousy? Or inferiority? All I know is that I'm putting myself under enormous pressure. I'm succeeding thus far, but being two weeks in and having so much to do and carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, I'm feeling the burn! On this course, because there are so few of us were all in competition to be the best of the best. It really is like an episode of the apprentice. Who gets the contract for so and so and who makes the highest quality writing. Ugrh, I blog, write poems and have half a novel-ish. Help!

Also, I keep asking the question, what am I sacrificing here to be the "best of the best"? My sanity, well that's a given, but also something else. Friendship, relationship, my social staple. It seems that I am to surround myself only with the clique that I live, eat and play and work with. I've had no time for anyone else whatsoever.

Apart from feeling a little lost, I'm also a little anxious. Wales--->London= Hellufachange. I've gone from a one train stop tourist trap to living near a one tube every 5 minutes and the map is so confusing I haven't got a clue where I'm going kind of place. I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm happier here, but perhaps feeling a little...vulnerable. That's the word I've been searching for the whole of this blog post and I've only just "got it". Another good one is "exposed". Maybe surrounded by so many and known by so few I can learn to become more social. Well at least learn not to blush so epically when someone new says hello. Maybe learn to stand tall and not run away.

We'll see. I'll keep you posted.

XBX